A Story of Hope by Nataly Bernas

I have had five miscarriages.  For some reason I have never been able to speak freely about them and at one point in my life I had even lost count of all my miscarriages.  Not since about a year and a half ago when I joined a miscarriage support group did I sit down and acknowledge each and every child I had miscarried.

Sydney was my first baby.  I remember very clearly going to my second obstetrics appointment when the doctor called us in to her office to tell us that she could not hear a heart beat and that I might have miscarried.  She told me to go to the emergency room if I started bleeding.  Two days later I woke up bleeding and the ER doctor told us that we were miscarrying.  I was so devastated I could not have a bite to eat for two days.  I had hoped this was all a mistake but it wasn’t.  My baby was gone

I named my second baby Tiffany.  I was still in my first trimester when I miscarried her.  Everything was going well until one evening I started cramping.  The cramping was so painful, it had me in the restroom a couple of hours.  Then I felt something pass. When I looked at what had passed, I saw the sack.  This loss was so painful because I hadn’t shared with many people that I was pregnant.  I went through this loss alone.

A few years later I married my prince charming.  Not long after I found out I was pregnant.  We were so excited.  We told all of our friends and family.  A few weeks later while at work I started spotting.  I was having another miscarriage.  I cried the whole way home, wishing and praying that this wasn’t really happening.  We headed to my doctor and they confirmed that the baby had no heart beat. I had suffered my 3rd miscarriage.

I sent a text to one of my closest friends to inform my friends and family. I was not in an emotional state to talk about it to anyone yet.  I received a lot of support from my friends and family, which really comforted me. I felt I wasn’t going through it alone, but at night when my husband was sleeping and no one was around, I could not hold back the tears and I cried myself to sleep. During this time I separated myself from my friends because I wanted to be alone. I was envious and jealous of the women who were getting pregnant. I felt like I deserved a baby because I did the “right” thing and was married before I got pregnant.

My husband and I decided to keep trying and I got pregnant right away. We were so happy that our first trimester was about to be over when tragedy struck us again. One day before the beginning of my 2nd trimester was the end of my 4th pregnancy.  It was all happening again. Spotting at work, cramps in my stomach, and worrying that I’m going to lose another baby. This one was the toughest one to go through. My doctor recommended a DNC. I didn’t want to go through the emotional and physical pain of passing the fetus naturally, so I agreed to the DNC. After the procedure, they ran the fetus through test hoping to find out why this was happening. Through these test we found out that the baby had the chromosomal make up of a girl. I always wanted a baby girl. I was so angry and blamed everyone for my pain. I blamed my husband, my doctors, my friends who were having babies, and God for not letting me keep my babies.

Even though I was scared and unsure we tried again and I had my 5th miscarriage while in the waiting room for my first doctor’s visit. I was ready to give up. As my pain grew, my hate grew. Why was this happening to me? Why after all this time, why can I not carry a baby full term? Why God, why?

We waited 3 months and decided that we are going to try by not trying. If we got pregnant with out planning when I was ovulating or when I had my last period, it will be in God’s hands. God was now my new hope. I trusted him with my body and my children. In April of 2012, God had delivered on his promise and I gave birth to a full term, healthy, beautiful baby girl.

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